[GFDuke]

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me InDowntown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that
you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I
can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I
didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you
took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for
a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP
pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever
you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug
us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed
in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,
-- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was
extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van
Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and
keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your
cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone
for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to
get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long
chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you,
but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect
upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember,
next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex